The view from up here. . . .

Don't mess with me, guys. I have a new professional commendation to add to my resume, delivered by the owner of the tour company that hired me to tour a group of 36 through Vizcaya Museum & Gardens yesterday.

"You have a very commanding presence," she said in all seriousness, at the conclusion of the tour as she handed me my check. All 4 ft. 11 1/4 inches of me, I said under my breath.

Commanding is not exactly how I would describe my less than towering height, but I do have a helluva loud speaking voice, a major plus with a large tour group. It must be that extra 1/4 inch that I'm desperately hanging on to, as gravity has its way with the 5 ft. stature I have endured since the age of 12. I was always the smallest kid in the class when they lined us up by height and I haven't made much progress since then..

Suzanne, the lady from the tour company, had e-mailed me that this could be a difficult group. . .it was something called The League, and she was finding them to have a bit of an "attitude". I wrote her back, not to worry. That was before I realized I had such a commanding prescence, and in truth, I was a trifle concerned. While I'm not new at guiding at Vizcaya, I am new at getting paid for what I've done for free for the past eight years. For free, if they didn't like me, that was their problem. This could ultimately be mine.

My apologies for channeling Sally Fields at the Ocars, but I think they liked me. . they really liked me. I could tell by the enthusiastic clapping at the end. We professional guides know that's always a good sign. They turned out to be a very nice group, well traveled. and fascinated with this wonderful seaside mansion that was built in 1916. Excuse me also for taking the opportunity to plagiarize Renee Zellweger and tell you, without an ounce of shame, that I had them from the "Hello, my name is Joan, and I will be your guide this afternoon. . ."

My new career as a professional tour guide is moving right along and I'm really getting the hang of it. It doesn't pay as well as my regular work, and I'm definitely not getting rich, but I am having fun. And growing taller, by the minute.
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Photo caption: Standing tall with the 6' 1" significant other. And I was actually wearing 3" heels in this photo!

Me and my computer. . . .

I'm not sure, but I think I was just scammed.

My computer has been running very slow lately and I was becoming increasingly annoyed watching that little blue circle go round and round. I found myself deleting more e-mail than I was reading, rather than sit here, tapping my foot, waiting for the latest joke (that I had already received last week) to download.

Every time I would turn off my computer, which is actually rarely, a window would come up for something called Cyber Defender, offering a free scan. Today I decided to click on it and when the scan was complete I was informed that I had. . and I'm not making this up. . .980 problems in my software. And for $34.50 they would do a complete cleaning that would absolutely, not a doubt in the world, make my computer run faster. Because I was so frustrated, I decided to go for it, entered my credit card information, and downloaded the cleaning program.

When the receipt came in the next e-mail, I had apparently made a total purchase of $54.95, not $34.50. I am not altogether an idiot, so I called the number on the receipt to question how the amount changed so quickly. Apparently I had not "opted out" from the check mark on something called "Optimizer". . .and lo and behold, my computer has been Optimized. OK, it seemed to be running a helluva lot faster and I was willing to go for the extra charge.


Except that the very nice woman named Patty from Cyber Defender, who told me she was my Personal Activator, informed me that I had a terrible virus that was eating up my files and for $279 I could have one year of technical support that would include a $50 Visa gift card. I said thank you very much but I didn't want to spend that much and didn't need a Visa gift card.


Patty assured me that this virus could do away with my entire computer in the next five minutes and since I only wanted a one time technical help to rid me of the file devouring creature, I could have a special price of $235 without the Visa gift card. In desperation, because she sounded so concerned for the life of my computer, I agreed to have the work done later in the afternoon when I was back in the office. She told me she would personally call me before any virus extermination was begun.


My computer program is Vista and it occurred to me that I had seen a free program called Malware on it that will scan for viruses. I pulled it up and scanned. It took a little more than 5 minutes and the damned thing actually scanned 50,501 items. And guess what? It didn't find a single virus. Not to mention that the computer is now running fine. It obviously did need a cleaning.

I just called Cyber Defender back to cancel the $235 technical program. Not so easy. I have now spoken to three different people and still haven't gotten confirmation that they will give me a refund, even though they haven't done the work. My next call is to Master Card to inform them that I am disputing the charge.

Like I said at the beginning. I think I just got scammed. And I bet I'm not the only one this has happened to. The threat of my computer crashing was enough to talk me into anything. Talk about co-dependency. Not too smart, guys. And I'm not even blonde.
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Photo: Can't live with it. Can't live without it.

Will wonders never cease!!!

I think I've stumbled onto a new career! It's not going to make me rich, I'm sorry to report. But I thinks it's going to be an interesting adjunct to my resume.


First the back story. More than ten years ago the significant other and I went to a friend's fabulous birthday party at Vizcaya Museum & Gardens. For those of you not familiar with this extraordinarily beautiful waterfront estate here in Coconut Grove, it was the home of industrialist James Deering. It was built in 1916 at a time when Miami was literally a jungle.

We were so awed by the mansion that first Benard, and two years later, I, studied to become unpaid, volunteer guides. Both of us loved guiding at Vizcaya on Friday afternoons right up until December of 2009. If I say so myself, we were both damned good at it.

I won't go into our reasons for quitting, but suffice to say that the new administration didn't feel my heart was in the required new tour that they had instituted. They were probably right. I thought it was better suited to 5th grade kids and an insult to the guests . I guess it showed. But that's beside the point. What was the point was that I gave up doing something I loved and did for free for eight years.

Fast forward. In February, out of the blue, I received a call asking if I was a "professional" Vizcaya guide. "Hmm," I said to myself. "What the hell. Sure", I answered, "why do you ask?"

Seems the lady on the line was calling from a tour company in Naples, Florida and desperately needed a guide for a group she was busing over, two days hence. When she told me it paid $125 I almost burst out laughing.

The tour went great and I had a ball. I walked away with check in hand and a date in March when she would be needing me again. Now, another phone call, this time from a Miami-based tour company, asking if I would be available to do an evening tour about Miami on a bus taking a group to Vizcaya and then tour the mansion. Sure, I said, so now I'm an instant maven on Miami history, thank you Google. She was paying $25 an hour with a minimum of four hours. Wow! And also, by the way, did I know another Vizcaya guide who might be interested?

Did I know one? I practically live with one. A quick call to the significant other, and we're both on the dotted line. Not to mention potentially $200 richer. My accountant will be impressed.

I'm thinking of revamping my website to reflect my new career path. I've made myself a very professional name badge on the computer so the guests will know who I am, and I'm good to go.

"Welcome to Vizcaya, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Joan and I will be your guide today. ."
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